Writers block oneshots Pellinor
by PJC
Summary: Oneshots based on the Pellinor books to get me writing when I don't know where to take a story. Not actually breaking writer's block so they're not all shuddery and everything. Rating for future chapters, 1st one rather light, details inside, lots MaeCad.
1. Lightning

_Series started mainly to conquer whenever I have writers block, a random word will be given to be and I have to write a oneshot on it (technically in 5 mins but most will exceed this) also will be used when I want to write but don't know where to go with my other stories. All will be based on a word or phrase though._

_They will also be unbeta'd as they will be very write them down, bang them through the spellcheck on here and then post them. Very spur of the moment write and post ones, so, sorry for any mistakes, all our mine. I just don't think these will be the kind of fics I want to think about and alter to make them better, very ... from inside me and whatever comes out comes out ones._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, fortunately Allison Croggon is writing them, not me._

_Warning: Most of these will be MaeCad fics, some will just be general and some will be other pairings, but most will be MaeCad. _

* * *

Cadvan glanced up at the sky above his head and groaned inwardly. For once he was upset that the weather was perfect. He knew that he should be disappointed that it was bright and clear as then it was harder to hide their trail, but he couldn't help the small part of his brain which groaned as he knew that then he had no excuse to stop, when they stopped he had the chance to talk to Maerad. To set up camp with her in some secluded irihel or cave.

There he could pretend that what he was feeling wasn't there or (more commonly) he could pretend that it was allowed. He could pretend that they weren't being persued by the dark, that they weren't a journey where the outcome would affect the rest of the world as they knew it, where there was a possibility she might die.

He no longer cared, as he had before, for his own life. His own life meant nothing to him if she was not in it, whether as a friend or student, though he longed for more, he wished for it with every fibre of his being. He wanted to love her properly, to make love to her, to declare his love for her, but most of all to have her return it.

He pulled back slightly on Darsor's reigns to slow him down, they weren't stopping but he could still talk to her, he could still be her teacher if nothing else.

Maerad was pulled out of her reverie as she became aware of Cadvan pulling Darsor up next to Imi and begin to ride next to her and not in front of her and she couldn't help the bolt of lightning that ran up her leg and directly to her heart as he caught it with his as he moved Darsor closer to Imi so that they could talk more easily.

Maerad glanced at him thoughtfully as she waited for him to speak. He had been even more closed off than usual recently, but more open at the same time. He was riding back to join her more and more as they travelled and starting more and more conversations with her. His blanket was inching slowly closer to hers each night, and she desperately wanted this to be a sign that he cared for her as she cared for him.

Cadvan couldn't speak for a moment, he had been too distracted by her leg catching his as he pulled closer together and the tingle this had sent up his entire body. He hadn't been as pre-occupied because of a woman since ... well, he had _never _been so pre-occupied and speechless because of a woman, even Nerilli had not affected him this much.

He dare not even glance at her for fear he would betray his feelings for her. He couldn't risk that, Maerad was a true friend and he trusted her completely, and he didn't want to scare her, he could only guess at how bad Gilman's cot had been for her and he knew more of her fear of men than he had ever let on to her. When he had scried her he knew that someone had tried to rape her, and he knew that others had tried, he just hoped that none had succeeded.

He finally felt prepared enough to speak to her and surprised himself with what he said.

"Isn't the weather lovely today, Maerad?" He shook his head slightly '_Why on earth did you talk to her about the weather you fool, the _weather_ of all things. Anything to choose from and you chose the weather. You fool, you deserve her laughter, no wonder she could never love you'_ he shook his head again trying to clear the thought from his mind.

Maerad however didn't laugh at his comment, nor did she even seem shocked, she simply replied. He didn't know she was fighting to control her feelings and that she was also dismayed at his choice of topic, she couldn't turn the weather to gently pry and see if there was even the slightest possibility of him ever loving her.

"Yes, I suppose it is today" she replied absently.

"Hmmm. Maerad? What do you know about ... never mind."

Maerad glanced up at him sharply to find him looking at her with his deep eyes, she looked at him carefully.

"Cadvan, what were you going to say?"

"It doesn't matter, honestly Maerad, it wasn't anything important."

Maerad looked at him even more closely. "Cadvan" she said earnestly, forcing him to look at her properly and meet her gaze, "it was obviously important enough for you to mention it in the first place, what were you going to say? What do I know about ...?"

"The ways of the heart" he muttered quietly, eyes dropping her gaze.

She stared at him for a minute, to see if he was serious, she saw he was and duly considered the question, trying to ignore the backflips her stomach was doing him bringing up the topic, almost as though he was trying to gauge if she could ever care for him.

She mentally scolded herself, '_He's not asking to find out what you feel, he's asking you because he's going to tell you he wants to stop travelling with you to be with Nerilli or he needs to talk about Ceredin with someone, all the things you noticed, they weren't signs of caring for you, they were comfort, comforting him. You silly fool, he's your teacher, of course he doesn't care for you the way you care for him.'_

She answered him out loud after a moment. "Very little, I've no idea what love actually is, I don't think I've felt it since I was very little and I lost my mother in Gilman's cot. The world was too harsh to love there, and since then I only know the little I learnt from Dernhill" she choked slightly on his name "and what you said he felt for me." She stopped there, scared that if she asked him directly he would close up. After he didn't reply she decided to mention it and see if he replied.

"I know I must know much less than you, you've had a lifetime to learn it in, you've probably already found the one you love."

"Maerad, I've recently discovered I know as little about love as you do. I thought I knew about the ways of the heart, how to recognise the signs, how strong it could be, what it was like. I've only recently discovered I was wrong, I knew nothing about any of those things. Love has crept up on me, I didn't even see it approaching me, it came at a strength of love I didn't even know existed, and I feel like I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface. I finally know what Malgorn and Silvia meant all those years ago."

Maerad stayed silently, not trusting herself to speak, hope leaping into her throat as he mad his confession, she tried to squash it but found she was unable to, they rode in silence for a short while before Cadvan spoke again.

"There's a cave not far from here, if we don't stop there then there is nowhere safe to stop for a league in any direction, we can have an early night and then start of early gain in the morning."

He then led Darsor into the lead again and began leading them up the hill at the side of them making conversation impossible.

They reached the cave and sorted the horses, laid out the blankets for sleeping on, readied and ate their meal all in silence, neither knowing what to say. Cadvan spent most of the time mentally berating himself for bringing up the subject, it had made Maerad upset, he could see it everytime he looked at her now, making the silence even harder to break. It had also made it even worse for him, which, in his sadness at upsetting Maerad, he had barely noticed that the ache had grown.

It had remindered him of how much she had missed out and how much he had yet to teach her, and how much he wanted to be the one who taught her about love again, what it was like to be loved and to be cherished and to trust another completely and utterly. He had no doubt that she trusted him on their journey but there would always be the part of her which distrusted men at least a small amount, and he couldn't blame that given her past. But he knew that she no longer knew what it was like to be cherished, she had had a hint when she had been with Silvia but had not being there long enough for it to sink into her again. She no longer knew what it was like to someone after such a brutal childhood, so empty of love from such a young age. She no longer knew what it was like to trust another completely and utterly, to lie still with them and still feel safe simply because they were in their arms.

Maerad glanced across the fire Cadvan was idly poking and at Cadvan himself, she could see that he was deep in thought, '_he's probably thinking about how to tell me about Nerilli or Ceredin, he won't even look at me anymore, maybe he won't confide in me as he doesn't think I'll understand.' _She looked back down at her legs which were pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them.

Maerad could barely even begin to comprehend how much she had missed out on, how deep love could go and here was Cadvan saying that it seemed to be infinite, he thought he already knew and had recently discovered how little he knew, how much did she still have to learn? Would she even recognise love if she ever saw it?

'_I can't have even lost the ability to recognise love, can I? Can I still feel love? I shielded myself so much from feeling anything as much as I could in the cot, did I get so use to hiding my feelings that I can't feel them anymore?'_

Thoughts like this whirled around and around in Maerad's head, each gaining questions, but no more answers. She stared into the fire as though the answers would be contained there and without even realising it a tear slid down her cheek.

Cadvan glanced at Maerad and saw her biting her lip as she gazed into the fire.

'_She has no idea how beautiful she is. No wonder she's had a tough life.' _He gazed at her a little longer, neither noticed, she was too busy staring into the flames and he was too lost in her. After a while he felt a pang as he saw a single tear slide down her cheek unnoticed.

Before either of them realised and before he could stop himself, he had reached out and wiped the tear away gently from her face, his hand lingering for a moment on her cheek as she looked up at him. He hastily pulled his hand back, mentally beating himself up for being so stupid and thoughtless, he tried to think of anything to say at all in order to get rid of this moment.

"Looks like a storm coming in." '_The weather, _again,_ I chose the weather.'_

Maered looked away outside, glancing at the dark clouds coming in fast.

"It does" she replied distractedly.

He glanced at her again while she was facing the other direction and saw something in her eyes, he just couldn't make out what it was.

Maerad suddenly stood up and walked to the edge of the cave, she sat by the opening, pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them before drumming her fingertips on her shins. She looked out for a minute.

She turned around and faced Cadvan, he saw the invitation there and knew he could go sit with her without upsetting her. He walked to the edge of the cave and sat next to her cross-legged, leaning back and resting on his hands.

They sat in silence for a while before Maerad broke it.

"I love this feeling." Cadvan looked at her questioningly. "When you're in a dry warm place and you're watching it rain in the cold outside."

Cadvan nodded and they lapsed into silence again, but this time thoughtful and comfortable.

Both were deep in thought. '_So I at least know what it's like to love a situation,' _Maerad thought to herself, '_But does that mean I can love a person? I suppose the closest I have is Cadvan, and I know I care for him.'_ She thought back to a moment before when he had touched her cheek and the bolt of electricity which had shot through her at the touch leaving the faint tingle which still remained in her cheek, she resisted the urge to reach up and touch it lightly.

Cadvan kept his hand perfectly still on the ground, still aware of the feeling lingering in his fingers where they had touched her cheek. He tried to turn his mind away and onto anything he could but found it impossible, his mind kept slipping to a few moments before, when he had touched her cheek and she hadn't turned away.

'_She was probably just in shock. That was all, she just didn't know how to react. You were just doing it out of care, you watch out for her that's all, it didn't mean anything, you were just cheering her up. So why can I still feel the linger of her skin on mine and know how smooth her skin is, and why is my hand still tingling if I only meant it as a friend and guardian?'_

They both sat in silence with their thoughts for a while.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning shot through sky unexpectedly making Maerad jump. Her arms became unclasped and her hands searched for the floor to find balance and her hand landed on Cadvan's, neither could deny the lightning that shot through their own spines regardless of the one in the sky.

Maerad moved to take her hand off Cadvan's when she felt his lift up slightly, turn over and take hold of hers. They had held hands before, but always for mutual support or for encouragement and as their eyes met they both knew that this was different and that things had to change between them, neither made a move to stop it though as both sat motionless.

Cadvan searched her eyes for any sign, dreading any sign of fear but almost craving any look of acceptance and invitation. He found what he was searching for. Acceptance and invitation.

He slowly rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand as he brought it up to his lips and kissed it gently watching her reaction. He saw a moments hesitation in her eyes, it was all he needed to stop him in his tracks, he had been gauging if she was ready was this or not, her eyes had just shouted loud and clear that she was not.

"I'm sorry Maerad. This isn't what you want. I'm sorry." He muttered quietly, not looking at her and he made to stand up, she took hold of his hand again and held it until he looked at her again.

"This is what I want."

"Maerad, you're still not ready. Besides you deserve better, it would be wrong of me to take advantage of your weakness now."

"Cadvan, I _am_ ready. We'd need to take it slowly, but this is want, and you're more than I deserve anyway, it wouldn't be taking advantage."

"I can't give you the life that you deserve, that's why it would be wrong. I can never settle down, I'm older than you, I've had the dark in me Maerad, you deserve someone who hasn't killed two of his best friends, someone who can provide a home for you while you learn, someone who will stay in one place, someone who can truly love. You deserve someone like Dernhill, not the man who killed him."

"I've been travelling around with you this long Cadvan, I know how you live, and I want this to happen anyway, the dark is no longer in you, and it's not your fault Dernhill is no longer with us."

"It's my fault that Ceredin is no longer here, and Dernhill is only gone because of me, if I hadn't asked him to teach you-"

"Shhh. He knew the risks and he taught me anyway. It isn't what you did in the past I care about, it's you now."

Cadvan opened his mouth to reply, but Maerad interrupted him.

"Shut up and kiss me" she murmured to him.

He searched her eyes and found nothing but approval, happiness and longing. He cupped her cheek gently with his hand, this time neither of them truly shocked at the movement and leaned slowly towards her an inch from her face he pulled back a small amount.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded slightly. Cadvan looked back into her eyes and closed the gap between them.

He pressed his lips gently against hers for a moment before he pulled back and kissed her forehead.

"Ok?" He asked gently. He knew she was old enough and that she was ready, but he was still scared about doing anything which might scare her in the slightest and make her feel like she wasn't in control of what was happening and so which might hurt her.

Maerad smiled gently at Cadvan, understanding his overly cautious approach.

Cadvan grinned almost apologetically before leaning back in and kissing her tenderly, but still cautiously, causing Maerad to smile into the kiss.

* * *

Later Maerad lay under the blanket, still dressed, wrapped in Cadvan's embrace. She gazed into the remains of the fire and found all of her early questions answered. She sighed contentedly and relaxed into Cadvan's arms.

She now knew that she could love, she knew that she could be loved and she could recognise when she was in love.

And she knew that she was in love with Cadvan, and also knew that he also loved her.

Now she just needed to him say it and fell into the problem of all women worldwide, needing to her their lover, partner and best friend, say those three little words.

"I love you Cadvan" she breathed out under her breath before falling asleep.

She fell asleep too soon to hear Cadvan murmur back "I love you too."

He now knew that Maerad could be loved and that she could love and he couldn't wait to show her everyday he was with her from now on.

He also knew that it wasn't always the extravagant gestures or great speeches which made the difference, sometimes it was just those 3 little words which he vowed to say whenever she needed to hear them and whenever he wanted to say them, and other times it was just about 2 people sitting at the mouth of a cave, and lightning hitting at the right time.

_

* * *

_

OK, so maybe that was rather odd and a rather odd relation to lightning but I linked it at the end. Let me know what you think, this really didn't turn out how I expected, it's also my first pellinor fic which actually focuses on Maerad and Cadvan (makes sense if you've read my other one) so let me know what you think (please).

And no, for anyone who has a suspicious mind, I was actually talking about love, not sex in that last bit. They haven't had sex yet in this story.

_Also just so you know, this isn't based on my real life the 3 little words bit and needing to hear them, before everyone accuses me of having the perfect love life and just being picky._

_Please review._


	2. Fade

_Please review this and let me know how I'm coming on, only my second entry to this story, want to keep it going, if its ok._

_This doesn't contain spoilers fo the singing btw, just the best way to fit the story in._

_Completely related to the other one. Just another MaeCad pellinor fic based on a random word (if you search you can find the word, it was all inspired by it, you may see where). Still unbeta'ed etc. just what I needed to get out._

_PELLINOR HAS IT'S OWN CATEGORY! GET THE WORD OUT! _

* * *

Cadvan searched Maered's sleeping face yet again. He felt like he had searched it a thousand times and still didn't know what had altered within her. He knew she was still having problems coping with everything, and still believed that she was taking things extremely well. Being the one, the saviour, had never quite sunk in properly and now she had elidhu blood and they were on their way to find Sharma. And do to what? To sing at him.

Anyone would be anxious about doing that, meeting this terrible immortal being and singing him a lullaby, when nobody knew what would happen or if it would work.

He couldn't blame her for finding it hard, but he still knew something else had altered and simply couldn't find the cause of it. He forced himself to look away from her, to look out again, to keep the watch he was meant to be on.

He couldn't stop his face turning back towards her. He still had his hearing sent out and knew he would hear anything coming and felt safe watching Maered. He caught a slight twitch of her eyes and feared for a moment that she would wake to find him staring at her. All she did however was move her head a little and he realised she was simply dreaming.

It felt wrong somehow, watching her in this defenceless state as she was dreaming and again forced himself to keep watch properly.

Soon after he heard her muttering, he turned around to see her still asleep and realised she was merely still dreaming. He turned back to his watch, still feeling it a kind of violation to watch her as she slept and dreamt. It was the kind of thing you only thought of lovers doing, not teachers and students.

He tried to block out her sounds but could do nothing than send his hearing further out which failed to drown out the sounds nearer him. He still tried to ignore them.

"No. No."

He heard her shifting restlessly again.

"I swear nothing happened. I promise. Nothing happened and nothing will happen."

He felt a pang of sympathy for her and was tempted for a second to wake her up out of this nightmare, but knew she needed the sleep more and it may not be as bad as she was imagining.

Suddenly her voice rang out louder, in desperation.

"Arkan, don't hurt him. I stayed faithful."

He could plainly here the pleading in her voice now.

"Please don't harm him. Nothing happened. Please believe me Arkan. I do not love Cadvan. I stayed faithful to you. I value him as a friend only. Please don't hurt him"

She finished quietly, lapsing into sobbing.

Cadvan felt a jolt shoot through him. Not only was she dreaming of Arkan, but she was intimate with him!

He finally noticed the mention of himself in there and was frozen with shock, more shock than he felt before.

Slowly, his mind started working again and he tried to piece things together.

Maerad was intimate with Arkan. She was in a relationship with him.

Yet she was afraid of him, and what he may do.

He appeared to have accused her of betraying him. Cadvan was pulled up short when he realised the implication was that she had betrayed Arkan with Cadvan himself.

He turned his face back to her and saw the pain still clearly on her face even in her sleep. He wondered if she was now released from the pain.

Despite everything he felt sleep calling to him and knew he couldn't remain awake and watching any longer.

He crawled closer to Maered and touched her shoulder gently. He instantly pulled his hand back, it felt like it had been burned, although he didn't know whether it was from hot or cold. Fire or ice.

He braced himself and touched her shoulder again and shook it gently to wake her up.

Maered awoke with a deep intake of breath, like a drowning man pulled out of the water, trying to live again. It sounded strained and tortured. He looked at her more carefully. Whatever it was in her that had altered recently seemed to have altered again, to have got worse, sunk deeper into her.

He briefly contemplated asking her about her dream but for a reason unknown to him decided against it. "I could stay awake no longer" he told her simply "Can you keep watch until dawn?"

She nodded silently and moved to where he had been sat and looked out, noticing that it was already well passed the middle of the night and he wouldn't get as much sleep as she had.

She sighed, she still felt like she had not slept at all, and was more exhausted than when she had first laid down. She searched her brain, she remembered a sense of fear resonating through her mind as she awoke and a feel or burning, or ice touching fire, but couldn't remember dreaming that night.

She glanced back at Cadvan and envied his even breathing and his easy sleep before looking out again and keeping watch for the rest of night.

The strength she had sought to gain from sleeping didn't return to her as she became more awake, but fortunately, she thought, it hadn't diminished in the time she had sat there.

Is was as though sleeping has used up more energy than travelling through the harsh lands they were in right now. She felt drained, physically, emotionally and mentally.

* * *

Cadvan awoke and saw Maered sat unmoved from where she was before, biting her lip, looking scared.

He again noticed the ashen colour of her skin, the dark circles under her eyes he had noticed before, even clearer in the dawn light. Even then her beauty shone through. The only good thing he could tell was that it didn't seem to have worsened from when she had woken. It was as though sleep had drained her more than the journey they were on.

She turned to face him properly and noticed he was awake, Cadvan quickly made himself move, not wanting to be caught looking at her even if he was only looking with concern. He mentioned nothing of her pale skin and the signs of tiredness, even when he had harnessed Darsor and she had barely started on her mare and was staring at the straps of the pack in confusion, unable to work out how they attached to the horse.

Cadvan silently and with no fuss took over the job and finished saddling Maered's mare, he still said nothing when he was forced to help her up as she didn't have the strength in her arms to pull herself up. As they rode he considered voicing his concerns to her. But as he looked at her he chose not to. She was sat staring into the middle distance, unaware of anything, she didn't even blink when her mare stumbled on a rock and almost fell down. She held the reigns limply in her hands, and he knew if it came to it she wouldn't known how to use them.

He had seen teh confusion in her eyes when he had attached the pack for her, but she said nothing then and hadn't said anything all morning. He also considered just getting her talking but didn't want to drain what little strength she had.

Fortunately the day was uneventful aside from some rain. When Maered had had to be reminded to pull her hood up and to tighten her cloak around her. Even at Cadvan's prompting she did nothing more than look at him in confusion, unsure of what he had said, and what he meant. He slowed Darsor and took the reigns from Maered's limp hands and stopped both horses. He then pulled her cloak tighter about her, she looked down and watched as he did it. He then pulled the hood of her cloak up and made sure it would stay there.

When he was finished she looked back into his face. What Cadvan saw there sent a physical pain through him and he forced both horses on, in search of shelter for the night.

She had barely recognised him, she had no idea what he was doing or why. Whatever was stealing her physical strength was also stealing her mind, unhelped by her compounded tiredness. He wondered how long she had been like this and couldn't find a time, they were both almost constantly tired, but he knew that it had been going on for a while.

He found small wooden hut and stopped there, he hadn't wanted to stop this early but knew there would be no other shelter anywhere else. He sorted out Darsor, leaving him in the lean-to at the side of the hut and turned to enter the hut as he caught sight of Maered.

She was still sat on her mare and hadn't even realised they had stopped.

Cadvan said her name gently and she didn't even look at him. Whatever had taken hold of her sleep had taken hold of her wakefulness as well. He walked closer and led her and the mare into the lean-to, he gently lifted her off, noticing how light she was, she had no weight on her and he noticed her new thinness, but was sure she had been eating. He sat her down as he saw to both horses. He turned and saw she hadn't even moved except to blink slowly.

He took her in his arms again, her lead lolling against his shoulder and carried her inside the hut, noticing how cold she was despite her cloak still fastened tight about her.

He sat down gently on the floor and still held her, unsure of if she could even sit up on her own now.

He let her stay resting against him, his chest supporting her and took hold of her hand with both of his. He felt her faint irregular pulse in her wrist and breathed in deeply before opening his mind and letting some of his strength flow into her. He watched her face carefully, no more colour came into it but her pulse became more regular.

He knew he would have to try and go inside her with his mind to find what was wrong, he had some knowledge of healing but still dearly wished he was in Innail or Lirigon or any safe school where there would be proper healers to help her and who might have seen this before.

He closed his eyes, took another deep breath and went inside her.

What he found made him gasp aloud, her body was freezing cold and burning hot at the same time. Her veins and arteries cool but the blood flowing weakly along them burning. Her heart almost on fire and her lungs felt as thought ice should be forming on them. He checked everywhere and saw similar things.

Fire and Ice everywhere.

He pulled back to himself and held her close as he returned to his own body. It was no disease of the flesh nor was an illness of the mind, and Cadvan had no idea how to help.

She was slowly fading away, her face paling even as he watched.

She was fading into nothingness as he body destroyed itself, unable to cope with either extreme. He had no idea what to do.

He could only assume that the dream of Arkan was more than a dream that Arkan was trying to prove that fire and ice could co-exist that fire wouldn't burn ice nor ice quench fire. And all he was doing was killing her. Maybe he hoped by killing her mortal body he would release the immortal elemental within her. Maybe he was just punishing her for leaving him as she had.

Cadvan didn't know why he was doing it, or how to reverse it, he nothing of the elementals and their ways save what Maered had told him and she hadn't prepared him for this.

His only hope was that if he gave her strength as she slept then if she dreampt of Arkan again that night (which seemed likely) that she would have the strength to resist him.

He continued to hold her and waited till she fell asleep.

She sat staring at nothing until slowly her eyes closed slowly and didn't open.

* * *

Cadvan didn't want to do this but he had been giving her his strength as she slept and she had still got worse. He went inside her again, but this time inside her mind, and watched her nightmare, hating himself for doing it.

_He saw Maered clasping both his hands and crying gently onto his shoulder in what was presumably her chamber._

_"I'm sorry Cadvan. I don't know how he found out. I said nothing, and neither did you. Nothing ever happened between us. He just realised that he couldn't have all my heart, that he could barely touch it, that it was yours."_

Cadvan's actual self gasped, in her dream she loved him and was fighting with the Winterking. As she spoke again he forced his thoughts back to the dream.

_"I'll have to go to him. You should leave. Though it breaks my heart to say it. You're heart was never in me as mine was in you. The winterking already has my body. He has taken it and now controls it, he permits me to have my magery, he even gives me my fingers back, I cannot leave him again, I have not the strength to do it again. Perhaps with you gone he can have more of my heart, if I don't have you here reminding me constantly that it is yours."_

_"Maered-" Cadvan began but was interrupted by Maered speaking again._

_"Please, don't say anything to make this harder. Out there I have no future that I could be truly happy with, here he can offer me the closest I can get. This way he won't hurt any creatures in his domain as he did last time I left when he came tearing over the woods searching for me, unable to see me due to my wolf form._

_If I left with you he would be able to sense me and if I went wolf then he would still sense you, and I couldn't bear it if he harmed you because of me. I can ask for your safe passage away from here, he will grant me it. But please go, this is the closest I can get to happiness, and then you are free to be happy as well."_

Cadvan watched helplessly, finally he knew what would give her the strength to defeat Arkan in her mind and hopefully restore her body. A thought occurred to him, Arkan wouldn't be, couldn't be, inventing this, which meant that Maered's heart truly did belong to him.

Could he bring her back knowing that and knowing that nothing could happen between them, he was her teacher and she was his student, he may think her beautiful but he didn't love her, not in the way which she loved him at least. He wondered which would be kinder to allow the Winterking to take her where she could be 'the closest she could get to happiness' or to bring her back, restore her to her body and force her to live with a man she loved but couldn't have.

He decided.

He leaned closer to her ear and whispered into it.

"I won't leave you Maered." He watched her face for a reaction, unwilling to enter her mind again fro fear what else he may find out. He saw no reaction and knew only one thing would stop her from fading away, he could only say one thing, but somehow he knew it would work.

He whispered into her ear again.

"I love you" he said gently. And as he said it he finally realised it was true.

Needed to write not to carry on with my other stories but just for the sake of writing, can't post on anything else as had written a chapter for basically all of them which was only on my memory stick, and thats lost somewhere, so until then needed to write.


	3. Mirror

_OK, was going to aim for a cute fluffy chapter in all my other stories as what I thought the stories would need, but just spoken to a friend at the other end of the world so rather happy at the moment so needed to write something bit less softer, so not sure how this will turn out._

* * *

Maered looked at her reflection in the mirror, she enjoyed the fine clothes and the balls and fashioning her hair in different ways with Silvia's help, but there was part of her which was always glad when she had shed all these things, when she could look in the mirror, see her hair falling wherever it wanted, to just see Maered staring back at her.

She smiled and shook her hair free as she removed the final pin from where it was holding her hair. She looked back in the mirror, on the other hand she could see hints of her mother in her when she was dressed up and could make herself believe that there were at least elements of her that her beautiful.

"Beautiful" she heard someone whisper in her ear as though they could hear her thoughts. She looked back into the mirror and smiled as she saw Cadvan looking back at her. "Truly beautiful" he repeated again.

"What are you on about, I've just taken all my hair out?" she questioned, watching him carefully in the mirror.

"And you're even more beautiful now then you were this evening. You look more like Maered." Maered smiled at him gently, she still wasn't used to his compliments.

"Well, you looked very handsome this evening" she replied slightly stiffly, she was even less use to giving him compliments, she may have thought similar things for a long time but it felt weird to say such open things aloud.

Cadvan grinned at her and placed a hand lightly on her shoulder and squeezed it to reassure her.

Maered laughed when she saw his reflection suddenly straighten up and formally offer her his hand.

"Dance with me?" he asked her tenderly, she turned to look at the real Cadvan.

"There's no music" she pointed out.

"We'll invent some." Maered grinned for a second before adopting a more thoughtful expression,

"You'll have to teach me the tune" she teased before taking his hand and allowing him to pull her up.

Strangely it didn't feel weird dancing with Cadvan in the middle of her bedroom, her bare feet making no noise on the smooth wooden floorboards. '_Maybe I've finally got over my shyness around him' _she wondered.

She smiled at him as he lifted his arm and turned her under, as she came back he flicked his wrist quickly so that she went spinning into him, landing against his chest.

He glanced at her approval as he tucked a finger under her chin and lifted it up. He was still wary of going too far when she wasn't expecting.

As he saw her register what was happening he tilted his head down and touched his lips to hers, waiting for her to deepen the kiss, and when she did kissing her leisurely, slowly and passionately.

He knew he would never tire of being allowed to kiss her, of her letting him share her bed and be intimate with her, he would never tire of listening to her breaths as she slept and as he cradled her in his arms. He would never tire of loving her.

* * *

The next morning Maered awoke and looked across to see Cadvan still asleep, she pulled on a robe and padded down to the bathroom before tiptoeing back, she was tempted to climb back into the bed and just lay there with him, but she knew if she did she would not want her to move and he would persuade her she didn't have to. Instead she went and sat down in front of the mirror again on the chair nearest to the bed and forced herself to stop watching him.

She was always shocked by how vulnerable, handsome and young he looked in his sleep and could watch him for days and just lay in his arms for weeks. She looked into the mirror and sighed as she saw the knotty state of her hair and realised that she should've brushed it last night if Cadvan hadn't distracted her.

She scrunched some of it in her hand and tried to put some spring back into it at the roots.

"Stop fussing, you still look beautiful to me."

Maered turned around to see Cadvan resting on his elbow in bed, the cover around his waist.

She smiled at him, still not quite believing it. She cast her eye over him, "You don't look too bad yourself to say you've only just woken up."

She giggled as he chucked a pillow at her, at the look in his eyes she came back over to the bed and sat on it still in her robe.

Cadvan placed a hand against her cheek and stroked his thumb over her cheekbone.

"You've never looked more stunning."

* * *

_OK, wasn't the storyline or the standard I was aiming for, but let me know what you think anyway. Please._


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